Being friends with your team: The dos and don'ts
For the majority of human history, we accomplished ‘success’ at work using the grim brutality of forced labor.
Then cue the Industrial Revolution 250-ish years ago and we replaced it with bureaucracy. A massive step in the right direction… But hardly inspiring.
Fast forward to 2024, and we’ve seen some of the world’s biggest companies prove that there’s a more productive, human way to work than control.
We’re more focused on culture, empathy, and fulfilment at work than ever before.
We now build emotional bonds with our teammates that can last a lifetime (I know I have).
But in doing so, we’ve created a new problem for ourselves…
Where on earth do the lines need to be drawn?
Luckily for you I spent my early years in management roles f*king this up over and over, crossing all the lines possible and falling flat on my face as a result.
But a couple of years back, I decided enough was enough, especially since working in corporate, I started to get really strict on boundaries in all aspects of my work.
Friendship boundaries included.
But that being said, I still wanted to be friends with my team, I didn’t want to cut them off. So I built some rules for myself, to allow friendships to blossom, but not to cross lines.
At the bottom of this post, you'll find a spreadsheet outlining various scenarios such as 'post-work drinks' and 'weekend socialising' detailing the dos and don'ts necessary for fostering a robust team bond while maintaining healthy boundaries.
But for now, let’s dig a little deeper into what a ‘manager-teammate relationship’ should look like:
The difference between a friendship and a manager-employee relationship
A friendship is a 2 way street, with both parties investing the same amount of love and energy into making it work well.
A manager-employee relationship is a 1 way street. The manager should be the one providing support, actively listening, making space and resolving conflicts. Your team member shouldn’t be expected to do the same back to you.
The best leaders build deep human relationships with their team, there is emotional investment and empathy. But the most important part…
They don’t expect it back.
So can I be ‘friends’ with a member of my team outside of work?
The short answer is yes. But there are some important factors you need to be very aware of.
Your team are the people you will spend most of your waking life with. You will experience some of the most emotional parts of life alongside these people. Huge career wins, marriage, babies, break ups, grief, divorce.
So to cut yourself off from friendships all together would be difficult. And also, sometimes we employ people who were friends before working together.
So friendships outside of work are generally ok.
HOWEVER, you need to take the below factors very seriously:
Bias - You are responsible for deciding who gets a pay rise, promotion, opportunities etc. You need to educate yourself very deeply on bias, then practice overcoming bias at work every single day.
Communication - Have a conversation with your team member and friend about how, for both people’s sake, at work you will be their manager. Meaning your relationship is a 1 way street, you will support them as a manager and you will communicate with them as a manager.
Transparency with the rest of your team - Be very transparent with the rest of your team about your friendship outside of work with a member of the team.
Let them know that you’re doing everything you can to educate yourself on bias, and ensure that the workplace is a level playing-field. Ask your team, if they ever get the feeling you aren’t being fair, that you would really appreciate them to call you out on it.
Now you know what to do… Let’s take it a step further and look at some very common situations and where the boundaries should be set and how
Being friends with your team: The dos and don'ts
Using some typical life situations to make it clear:
Where do you sit in the debate? Are you friends with your team, or do you prefer to stay away?
Peace,
H x